The Lightening has Struck: Allowing & Engaging Transformation

 I'm no longer hanging upside down in the car (although for sure it still fells like I am at times),the adrenaline has worn off, and a new Element has surfaced in my life. Lets stop here for a moment....

There is a question which has been toodling around in my mind since this cliff-driving experience. That question is about healing and transformation. Interestingly, my Master's thesis is on exactly this topic. I am wondering, post incident, if one (specifically me in this case) can be changed by a potentially life-changing event and if that change has anything to do with healing? 

 This of course brings up additional questions, such as: What is healing anyway? Is healing from a car accident (or any major life event, such as lost love for example, or any event which feels like the rug has just been pulled out from underneath you) simply the act of "getting back to" where one was before? Or is it possible that healing has something to do with allowing and even engaging the dynamic change that is happening, literally coming out of the event/situation as another person all together? 

Perhaps that means not that I will become other than who I am, but that I might actually be becoming more and more of who I am. All of the parts of me that were covering over my true brilliance are rusting away and falling off (if I let them?) Perhaps what served me before no longer serves me now. And to push, to try and force the old way into service of what is now, is actually anti-healing?

Me thinks the shamanic practitioner in me has been engaged. This is the perfect opportunity for the "healer to heal thyself."  We shall explore more as the story continues to unfold, as the mystery continues to unravel....

The Elements of this New Life....

So fast forward to now. I was going to spend time catching you up on the last 7 weeks. But decided to drop you directly into now, today, because this is what is happening. I trust the whole process will emerge as I continue (as I'm beginning to have an inkling that healing has something to do with fully living the mystery, the unknown of each moment.)

Today my new (used) car arrives. Finally, 8 weeks after the accident. This idea of an accident is even in question today. As last night I saw a fellow shamanic practitioner friend who greeted me with a grin and the words, "your brain didn't fall out!" I liked her sense of humor, but have to admit, I was stunned. "Did you hear," I asked her?  "Hear what" she replied?  She laughed and said, "Last time we journeyed together you had a vision that your brain fell out and you couldn't find it." "But it didn't," she grinned.

The words that were running thru my brain at that particular moment were, "holy s..t, holy s..t", a silent inner mantra as I tried to make sense of what she had just said. I just stared at her, on the verge of maniacal laughter. "Well...," I said slowly, "that's really interesting. I recently had a car accident, got a severe concussion and am now working with PCS (post concussion syndrome). I feel like my brain feel out and I can't find it."

It was her turn to stare blankly at me.  Since we were both late for a meeting, we kind of left the conversation there.  Later, at home, I rummaged through journals to find a record of that particular vision. Couldn't find any record. Leaves me wondering. Were my helping spirits giving me a premonition of what was to come?

It traveled 2000 miles to get here. 

Meanwhile, the Element has arrived. Honda Element that is. The (pun intended) new element of my life. The element that will cart me from place to place. My black CR-V has been replaced by a Burnt Orange Element. There's something fitting about this. Perhaps my transforming self needs a new exterior persona, from dark into blazing color,  the phoenix rising from the ashes, the burnt orange phoenix.  Well, check that off the list. it's taken care of.

Two days after the accident, when I was saying good-bye to the CR-V, which had only been with me for 10 short months, I naturally, spoke with the spirit of the car.  The same spirit I had spoken to on the day I purchased that black steed, when it said it was in my life to help me "step fully onto my shamanic path."  Honestly, I should have asked for more info then, as a cliff diving adventure together was not the way I expected "stepping more fully on the path" to emerge. When I said good-bye, I thanked that spirit for keeping me quite safe in a rather treacherous situation, no broken bones, only a trickle of blood.  I wondered, was it the spirit that kept the driver's side of the vehicle completely unscratched, so that I would be able to get out of the car myself, while the passenger side was completely obliterated? Was this an adventure in learning to trust an 'unseen' world?  Doing so is important for a shamanic practitioner.

That day I said goodbye to the CR-V, I didn't really have any inkling how much of another lifetime I was saying goodbye to. I still cringe a little each time I see a black CR-V on the road. I realize I can't quite look directly at it. I miss my CR-V. I miss the wild traveling spirit of it. I miss the person I was before I had a traumatic brain injury, when my right arm did all the things it's habitually done for years, before my left arm had to step up to the plate. Just now as I write this, I realize, it's the 'passenger side' of my body that's not working so well right now. And, how ironic, and it's the top of this body-vehicle (my brain) that's a bit wonky. Hmmmm...there's a metaphor in there somewhere. 

Slow forward... (never even bother to attempt purchasing a car during mercury retrograde.)

After seeing the car, post-accident, there was never any doubt I would replace it with another Honda. While the CR-V only gets 3 out of 5 stars for safety rating in a rollover, mine fell 40+ feet in the air before landing on it's roof.  Yet, there was only a slightly crunched roof edge on the passenger side, a small spider crack in the windshield. Safety ratings are one thing. Living through an accident in your car is another.


So, now there is a new spirit to establish a relationship with, the spirit of the Orange Honda Element who sprinkled a trail of purple magic from Massachusetts to Colorado, as she traveled the miles on an American Auto Transport car carrier.  This orange Element(al) spirit is a bit of a pixie. She's rather light, has a vintage kind of feel. She moves a little slower. She's artsy, even impish, a bit like I am after 10pm. I wonder what adventures we will share. I wonder who is this new me emerging who will travel about in  an orange car? What new life am I saying hello to?

The Adrenaline Wears Off...

So as the journey continues...

Having never had a car accident before or a concussion or lived in the Denver area (where I was now located), I was at a loss. Friends from all over gathered resources. Other than incredibly emotional, exhausted, and shaking a lot, I felt pretty good, considering the circumstances. People kept telling me when the adrenaline wore off I might feel differently. Eventually they were so right on.  Four days after the accident, after my totaled-car had been cleaned out, and left behind, and I had been driven from my post-accident-stranded-in-a-hotel-room site to a friend's in Lakewood, I started to feel really beat up. Random pains began to appear all over my body. They came and went. My neck ached. My right arm throbbed. It didn't work very well. I could hardly sleep on my head. The pressure from lying on it was nauseating.  A constant pressure seemed to be building inside. Then my head felt like it was going to explode out through my skull.


I walked out of the bedroom and straight to my girlfriend who had come to stay with me post accident. "I need to go to the hospital," I blurted.  I'm not sure I have ever known and communicated something I needed so directly.  We did a little online research of area trauma centers and emergency rooms and headed to St. Anthony Hospital. It was close and had a Level 1 Shock Trauma Center.


Mind you, I am not good in hospitals, ER's,  Dr's offices, dentists, physical therapy, etc. Stepping into one of these places is always a huge challenge. But my bruised brain was about to explode. It was radiating so much heat that my friend could feel it with her hand about 8 inches from my head. I had constant vertigo. It was time to step inside the hospital walls.  


As we waited to be seen, I breathed through an old panic response. I had fainted in ER's before. I didn't really want to faint this time. (What if I fell and hit my head?) Luckily the ER was slow that Thursday night. When the Dr heard what happened he immediately braced my neck. Now in addition to the exploding head I was practically choking. My friend was alternately cracking jokes and checking to be sure I was conscious. A CT scan was ordered. 


OK. A bit on the CT scan. That thing is weird. I could feel the waves of whatever it was they were using to scan my brain. Literally like I was sitting inside of some concentrated radio waves that were all aimed at me. It took all of 6 minutes and I was wheeled back to my exam room.  In a bit someone came along to remove my new collar. Then left. This seemed like a good sign.

Soon it was revealed that I had a severe concussion, (whiplash) strained neck and shoulder, and something not good with my 'brachial plexus'. Good news! No bleeding in my brain. No fractures. It was a powerful moment of gratitude. 

I returned home with the RX to rest, a prescription for muscle relaxants (what are they?) and strict instructions to my friend to keep on eye on me and see if I began acting strange. For anyone who knows me, I think you will appreciate the humor in this last instruction.


Clearly, I would need resources.  The first help would be from a distance, my shamanic practitioner and energy healing friends. Michaela McGivern, Amy Priest, Bonnie Serratore and all the Contemporary Shamanism folks, my hometown Healing Drum Circle, people I didn't know who were friends of friends. They  started doing healing on me from afar. Next I would need, PT, Chiropractors, SE, Dr's, Massage, Energy Healers, who and what else?

How did I begin to decide? First, friends and I gathered a list of possibilities. (THANK YOU ALL!)  Then I did the logical thing (much to my girl friend's horror).  I muscle tested to determine who to go see. After a number of Yes, No, Yes, Yes, No's, the lucky winners emerged.  More on each of these as we go along.

It made a better hat, plus I felt more like a queen this way.
But get that thing off my head too! It's just not comfortable anywhere....

 

...and so the journey of transformation and healing continues...

As my friend Kristen just said, "life continues..." She is the inspiration for this post and probably for getting me back to posting in general again.  As it never occurred to me to blog about what has been happening in the last year. Way to go Kristen. You're inspiring people to write just by being you! 

 So here's a quick catch up. I'll start on Feb 19th of this year, the year of great changes, the year of transformation, 2012.

On that life changing day, Feb 19th, I 'came to" (as in I had been knocked out and came back to consciousness) hanging upside down in the drivers seat of my CR-V. I was securely strapped in by the seat belt. Just previous to this, I had been driving through the beloved Colorado mountains on my way towards Denver to house sit for a friend.  It was a lovely evening, rather late, some snow on the roads and a bit still falling. I wasn't worried, had on my brand new studded snows. I'd made this drive a million times, and in worse weather than that.  

OK. To the details. Quick and simple. As I meandered along, I came across black ice. Some fishtailing ensued. Then my car 'did a 180', crossed over the mid-line and broadsided the rock mountain. At that moment, I was relieved, because the alternative was a 100+ foot drop off the edge of the mountain pass, no guardrails to stop me. The relief lasted milliseconds. As my car hit the wall, it bounced and veered straight for that cliff edge. 

In slow motion (it really does happen that way!), I realized I was about to die. My car was now headed for a head-first plunge down a steep mountain cliff, at 10:30 at night, on a not so traveled road. I was about to die. On top of that, I was about to die in the one way I have been afraid my whole life that I would die (YUP! by plunging to my death in a car that went off the side of a mountain.)

As the car began to tip over the edge something in me relaxed. There was nothing else to struggle against. It was now done. My last thought was a wish that I could be the one to tell my dearest I died in a car accident.

Then there was darkness, two huge bumps, nothing, then the weird sensation of coming back into my body and feeling something really tight against my belly and shoulder. Then the sensation of hanging upside down. I was hanging upside down in my car seat. The car had stopped. I was alive. How very weird!

And so begins another journey of transformation.....

Yaks Around the Corner

Today Yak. Dozens of you in the field. Long shaggy hair. Great horns.

I can't see the towering mountains behind you. They are lost in a cloud of dust and smoke from the forest fires in Taos & Tres Piedres. Yet i drive toward them in faith that they remain. And as i turn one slow corner on the road through ranch-land, there you are.

Stunning in the dusty air. I Feel like i have driven into another time, another land. Have i somehow slipped through the thin veil of time and space and landed in the mountains of Tibet?

I wish for the camera that i sometimes carry in the car. Wanting to capture the surreal quality of your presence, here amidst no backdrop. As if you have fallen from the gray sky. Here grazing in the desert. I want to capture the traces of snow still visible in crevaces on the mountains just beginning to appear through the hazy nothingness. I want to capture the wonder of this land with its dust-outs, and random wind whirls that are like mini tornadoes that pop up in front of me as i drive on endless roads.

Seeing you, i think of my neighbor, who loves to stop and gaze at you when you are near the fence, near the road. He is fascinated by you, Yak.  Today i am as well. Wondering how you ever got to be the latest fad in lean, tasty meat at trendy restaurants.

I want to slide out of my drivers seat and slip under the barbed wire fence. Move slowly  toward you. Put my hand against your powerful body. Curl my fingers in your long and winding hair. 

I want to stop and weep at your majestic and seemingly cumbersome beauty. I want to know what a community of Yak smells like. I want to slip through time and space to your home in the peaks of Tibet. I wonder at your wonder presence here in southern Colorado

I want to stop.      Stop.      And ask.

What have you come to teach us Yak? 

What power and medicine?

How did we come to be in the same place and time once again?

Deer & Dog Meditation

This day, Deer is standing in the road. Not unusual. Generally expected when driving around in this western mountain town. But this time she is so intent on watching something on the other side of the street. Ears alert. Her full attention directed forward. I slow, then stop as i near her, wondering if she is about to cross in front of me. But her attention is distracted. So I am drawn to look across the road. 

There, in the yard as intent on Deer as Deer is on she, sits a golden retriever. Not a peep comes from her mouth. She sits. Facing Deer. Watching Deer. I look for the person near by that has commanded her, golden coat reflected in the setting sunlight,  to remain still in Deers presence. I see no one. Yet there she sits. Alone in the yard. Neither barking nor jumping up to chase you, Deer. I am in awe of her stillness. And Deers. I wish I could find that stillness in my morning meditation. Watching. Relaxed. Yet completely alert in the present moment.

Are you speaking a language I can not hear, Deer and Retriever. I sense it. Wonder. Caution. Curiosity. Perhaps a spark of recognition.


You are young, not as small as the other Deer with you. Certainly as thin and scruffy.  Especially scruffy this year I think. A result of the dry spring? There is still so little green life springing from the ground. And this. One of your favorite spots for lunch and dinner? Do you, Deer and and Golden Dog gaze at one another each afternoon? 

Have you forged an unspoken friendship? 


I want to stop my car and gaze at the two of you until the spell breaks, until the sun turns the snow capped mountains into glowing rose quartz peaks, until i can begin to hear the silent language between you. 

What is the language that is spoken in the eyes of Deer and the erect and still attention of Golden Dog? 

Secret Life Revealed in Headlights...

Deer, Jack Rabbit, Coyote, & Owl, all in the course of one 15 minute drive home under the full moon.

Deer, standing at the side of the road. Casually eating the tips of the first green growing grasses in the high desert spring. I slow down as i approach, not wanting to startle her. As i slow, i see Fawn beside her. They are thin this spring, slightly shaggy and still those stunning big black eyes that can see right thru my thoughts. I try to empty my mind. Am careful of the excitement that i can feel when i see Deer so close. For i know that Deer can feel what i feel. her keen senses stretching into the night and reading it. Did you hear my silent thanks for your daily presence? Do you feel the pull of the moon when it's full? Do you wonder at human's odd machines that zip by you on the road all day?

Jack Rabbit. Tall ears at the side of the road as you zigzag in the left lane.  Deer has already reminded me to slow down and pay even closer attention on the dark lone road. Your darting gate reminds me again to refrain from getting lost in thoughts of where i am going & pay attention to where i am this moment. And you? Are you leading me away from your little ones? Capturing my attention, being the star in the headlights & keeping me distracted while they run in the other direction for cover?

Coyote. In the peripheral light of my high beams you looked much more red than Coyote and small enough to be Fox. If i had seen your tail i would have been sure.  You blended so closely into the landscape, i'm not sure how i saw you. movement perhaps. Perhaps it was just that my senses were heightened by the evening of Tibetan Transformational Breathwork that i was returning home from. I had to slow, almost to a stop to really see you, to discern your slightly reddish in the desert yellows and browns. You stopped for a moment when i stopped. Once again we exchanged glances in the night. Then you were off on your way.  Where do you go in the night? Were you looking for Jack Rabbit who i just passed zig-zagging in the road? Was she keeping you off her tail?

Owl. What a delight & a surprise to see you again. It has been months and months since you revealed yourself. And this time so close. You, in the air. I stopped the car. Felt like you were about to land on my windshield. Your enormous white underbelly glowing in the circle of headlights. I think i rustled you from a nearby tree. My lone car on the road so late. You came flashing from the side of the road, from a low pinon branch or your favorite sign post.

I haven't seen you here in a long time. The last time you stood in the center of the road. Tall. Huge seeming. Your ear tufts glowing like streams of light in the high beams. I stopped. You stayed. The two of us in the road facing one another. I was in awe. Heart melting as you turned to look directly at me. We stared, like two long lost friends meeting and not quite sure we were seeing who we thought we were. Or that's how it was for me. I can't say for you. The moments felt timeless, yet happened much too quickly.

I was willing to sit there and look at  you all night. Drink in the wonder & details of you - being of the night. What made you remain in the headlights, gazing from left to right with calm & grace? And why were you standing on the ground? Had you just captured one of the myriad of Mice that kamikaze across the asphalt  constantly on their missions in the sand?